Journal Entry #3

In your journal, write a list of ten or more of your personal strengths. For example, mentally: I'm good at math; physically:I'm very athletic; emotionally; I seldom let anger control me; socially: I'm a good friend and others: I am almost always on time.

1. I am very clean and organized
2. I can talk to anybody and make new friends easily
3. I am an exceptional learner
4. I can do anything I put my mind to
5. I rarely let anger cloud my judgement 
6. I am very honest and full of integrity
7. I forgive easily because we are all human
8. I am playful and humorous 
9. I possess a big heart full of love
10. I am fair and believe in equality

Write a list of ten or more of your personal weaknesses. For example, mentally: I am a slow reader; physically: I am out of a shape; emotionally: I'm easily hurt by criticism; socially: I don't listen very well; and others: I'm a terrible procrastinator.

1. I care what other people think 
2. I am never persistent and easily give up when the going gets tough
3. I get in shape and then get out of shape
4. I believe and then I don't believe
5. I never learn from my mistakes and always repeat myself
6. I have a hard time with self control
7. I can be unenthusiastic and dull
8. My self esteem fluctuates on a month to month basis
9. I lack self control
10. I tend to make the wrong choices
11. I have a hard time letting go of the past

Using the information from steps 1 and 2 and score #8 on your self assessment, write about the present state of your self-esteem. On a scales of 1 to 10 (with 10 high), how strong is your self esteem? How do you think it got to be that way? How would you like to be? What changes could you make to achieve your ideal self esteem?

On the good months, my self esteem can be at least a 7. The only good year I ever had, my self esteem was a 10. But this isn't about the good months or the good years, it is about my present self esteem, which isn't at its lowest. Middle and high school I would have to say is when my self esteem was at its all time low. But today? It is pretty close which is terrifying. I don't know if anyone knows how it feels to be sitting criss-cross apple sauce at the bottom of your own hole but it is a horrible feeling. But personally, the fear of sitting back in that same position I used to sit in before I started climbing the walls is more of a worse feeling than being there before you started climbing the walls. 

But while sitting here and describing the feeling and the horror and the dread of being back in that same position is a bit of relief, it isn't going to help me much now is it? Especially since I did it to myself.

After graduation, after going through almost seven years of humiliation, I ran from everything I had known and grew up with. In the beginning I believed it would make the feeling go away. It would help people get to know me and in turn would help me build my self confidence. So I moved to Wild and Wonderful West Virginia. Family. Friends I had known for years. New people who had no idea who I was. An entire new world to start all over again. But it didn't erase my past. 

So I go, and I begin my new life. But a few months in, it begins to look like the same life I lived here in central Florida. And everything starts all over again. The feeling of misery. The tears of shame. 

I began to think about options. Ways that I can stand up and dig my hands into the dirt and muck and grime on the walls of my own deep hole and start climbing. And I realized that a lot of my self esteem, actually all of my self esteem, is based on my health and my body. Always being a heavy and over weight young lady, I decided that was where I needed to start.

I did some research, found a weight loss clinic located in the center of the town I was living in and scheduled an appointment. The clinic offered a program called B12 and Lipo-B. This is how it worked: you went in and met the dietitian. The dietitian then does blood work and has you stand on this machine to measure your BMI. She then evaluates all the results to administer a dose to you. You're doses were distributed into 4 shots which were injected into your lower stomach once a week. The first one, they demonstrate how it is done. Then from their on you give yourself the shots on your own. You were also prescribed what is called Phentermin (if I spelt that correctly) which was also known as PhinPhin. 

Now, a lot of people look down on this particular program based on how unhealthy and how life threatening it could be. Which was true if done not in moderation. And it was a success! 20 lbs and about a month and a half later I was starting to feel brand new and even though I was struggling, I was climbing the walls of my hole slowly but surely.

I then realized that moving from all the humility and running from it wasn't really going to help. So I packed up my belongings and jumped back on the band wagon back to the beautiful sunshine state. It was refreshing to be back. But more decisions were about to be made. 

About 2 months back home, I realized that it was time to make a career choice and a step towards success so I jumped in my car one day, walked into a recruiting office, and met the one person who has ever in my life given me a sense of hope that one day, I could do this and one day, I would be proud of everything I had done and overcome. "I run a PT program," he said, "twice a week here at the office. Why don't you join us?" So twice a week, I would visit the recruiting office and twice a week I would run and do push ups and sit ups and all kinds of different calisthenics that were going to improve my physical strength. 

And then I woke up one morning on a day I didn't have PT and thought to myself "I'm going running." And I did it the next day and the next day and the next. And it was a whole new me everyday. A new challenge to overcome. And within the 4 months I had known my recruiter, within the 4 months I had been doing PT, I had lost almost 60 lbs! And I was brand new. And now that wall that I was climbing to get out of my whole had turned to solid rock and I had a better grip climbing it as if it were a ladder.

But I gave up. I lost my belief after my discharge from the military and a shock to my life. It had been my dream and I was pursuing that dream and it got ripped away from me. 

My loss of belief wasn't necessary though. I am still the same person and I can still be as strong as I had been when I had first faced my weaknesses almost 3 years ago. And so I will be.

I have to push myself. Believe in myself. When I'm sitting at home with nothing to do, go running, do some push ups. When I'm hungry, make a healthy enjoyable meal instead of chips and dip or macaroni and cheese. Get back in school. Try new things. Smile. Even if I have to write 100 sentences that say I am going to do this and I am going to do that I'll do it! 

I'm over this feeling. I want to shake it. And it's time to change and make it happen!